This is a very personal post. Please refrain from reading ahead if anything I word can possibly seem a stretch. It isn’t. At least to me. I have not once questioned anything happening. And maybe a lot has been around me lately. What may not be ‘deep’ for you, respectfully may still be a time I want to write to clear my head, recollect my thoughts, or allow myself to understand something new. So this is for me. About them, and maybe me, but in my 3 a.m. space… typing this before I hit publish because everything after this is unfiltered 3 a.m.
Maybe what is the heaviest on the heart are moments that have little to be put out into words, because they often come from witnessing someone else carefully stringing together words to express how they feel, someone you adore and admire to incomprehensible depths and limits.
We went through a plethora of emotions after what I would say was ‘their conversation with us,’ because this did not come off as content filmed for us, it truly felt like we sat on the other side of that dinner table listening to them.
I’ve had my slice of a journey with them, and yes I found them when I needed them most. And though I wish I had been there when they needed us most, a little longer, known them from when they were exploring their beginnings… I’m glad and thankful for the time shared and the times to come. I’m glad I can be here for when they begin their Chapter 2.
And though the heart has been heavy, maybe partially out of nervousness to experience a sudden change and any element of early uncertainty there was, it’s been heavier knowing they needed it but held on a while longer. And like they said, no regrets about what unfolded during this waiting period. Gratitude, for them, for making choices as were thought to be better. The heart is perhaps heavy because theirs’ was, and maybe that alone is enough of a reason, even more than anything I can verbalize. The trust invested in them means whatever paths they pick and however they do, the belief in them shall never erode, the love for them shall never fade, and the purple string shall bind it all in the most heartwarming way.
This conversation, this need to understand ‘time’ and its changing course, it was all about them, that they shared. But the bond with them is so intricately weaved, that even through this, maybe they left the greatest message for us. Perhaps what they courageously acknowledged, and what we all may have to for ourselves too, is that someday the mechanics of life will feel like monotony. It does not invalidate the mechanics, or the choices made to seek them before. But maybe everything has a time, and sometimes even the ‘best’ needs to change to something ‘better,’ it’s on how we perceive and process things, and for us to choose when, how, and where. It’s valid that what drives you might drive you a little over the edge too, and when that happens, it’s much needed and it’s okay to step back, however one may want to and need to, and for however one may have to. Because even with what has been the best, there is better, and that is yet to come.
I often burn out. My life has always had a purpose. So each time I do, the purpose has evolved. My life still has a purpose, but from where I stand I can foresee the day this one is fulfilled I will no longer have a story to strive for. And I often wonder what’s next. And maybe my next and my mind has always been a little too hazy, a bit blinding. I cannot promise myself how I go about things. I take self-motivation in bytes because overwhelming myself just bites back. Maybe I am not ready to pick a path from the finish line I see for this marathon I have been trudging along. But for the first time, I have thought about ‘me’ and not the ‘we’ that has been my gasoline, as the catalyst to explore what may lie ahead. Maybe.
긴긴 원을 돌아 결국 또 제자리
Back to square one after turning a full circle
Back to one
— doolset— doolset
To me, square one is the first step of the staircase but on a different floor. The full circle is the earth I have explored and turning it takes time, so even if I am back on the same path, it is not because I have returned. I cannot because everything around has changed and so have I, as should happen with time, or there would have been no growth. The only parallel is ‘this’ being another beginning, but ahead, and onwards.
